robintaylorann's Blog

So I've had it pointed out several times by several different people on on several different sites that I've all but disappeared ! hehe and yes I have, sadly. I don't deal very well with things not changing or moving forward in the direction I want them to go and when this happens I get very depressed, angry, suicidal, my drinking goes over board and I spend all my time sitting and crying. 

 

So what do I do? i completely shut down on everything and everyone I know, I sit in my room playing FFXI from the time I wake to the time I go to bed, rarely eat, sleep lots and just let my self and life go to crap until the time comes for me to change it. Yeah I'm in a pretty unhappy place but it's what I got and what I've given myself til I stand up and say enough is enough. But i'm still here, I check the pages every single day though I don't talk :D

 

Seeing as how i'm being open here I might as well keep going, I don't know how to keep friends. I'm very easy to get to know and love meeting new people and can make a connection with almost anyone right away but as time goes on I start to doubt that i'm worth having as a friend, that I just know i'll do something to drive them away and eventually i'll be alone again. So I just disappeared, I run and hide myself from everyone I know and care about until they no longer keep trying to get me to come back around and then I get what I told myself I was all along, alone, unwanted and unloved. I don't know why i'm this way, I have been my whole life, every since I was a child I've repeated this over and over telling myself "they don't really like you, you know" "yeah keep talking, wont be long til you run them off" "once they find out who you are and what you are they won't want you around anymore" So I go and hide, ignoring my friends messages and their offers of help.  

 

So there it is my reasoning for why I've all but dropped off the face of the world. 

Ok so it's been awhile since I posted anything or any updates about where i'm at and what i'm doing. 

Had several head colds and few bouts of depression over the holiday season, holidays aren't my favorite time of year mainly because of the drama they brought during my childhood. The New Year is looking up though with it came some compromise. 

My transition has been put on a complete hold, though I don't think I really made it very far to begin with. The main reason for this is money, as I've said before i'm saving up to move and everything else is below this on my list. All of my money is going towards knocking out a few credit cards and reaching my goal of 1500 to move, which if things go well will be in May/June :D So until there nothing is going to happen towards my transition, other then applying for a legal name change, that much will be done for now. 

I'm no longer in therapy, i'm not happy about this but it's one less expense I have to worry about and my therapist was supportive of this because she know's how badly I struggle with money and trying to move, and know's i'll be restarting therapy once i'm moved :D

I'm back up to my old weight of 220 which is making me super depressed, none of the new cloths I have fit, and I mean nothing!!!! not my tops, bottoms, panties, nothing nothing nothing!! Mom keeps saying we're going back on our diet but that's also while she cramming brownies in her mouth, so i'm calling bullshit on this and will be just trying to do what ever i need to not to hit 230+ which at the rate i'm going wont be long. 

So yeah life sucks at the moment but it is what it is and there's nothing I can do but bare it until I have the means to move. 

 "Why would you want to work weekends? We wont get to see you" 
"You have it easy here why would you want to move?"

These are just a few things I've been hearing from my family as of late, and seeing as how I don't have the courage to answer them out loud I figure i'd do so here.....yes this going to be a rant people :D

Why would I want to work weekends? My gosh where to start!! The simplest reason is I won't have to lie about why I'm not coming home on weekends, and holidays, making up excuses about how "I just have to work and can't get off" and "what a bummer it is I can't come see everyone" boo hoo hoo... Not sure how i'll survive with out the arguing  bickering about stupid shit going on at a bar, and being reminded that i'm disabled and worthless from all of your little comments and off the cuff remarks.. oh how will i survive... pretty frigging well 

Oh my gosh you're right I do have it so well, 32, living at home with mommy, paying little in bills and not having to do many chores at all... gosh it's so wonderful!!!! I love having to order my toothpaste and deodorant online because it's less stressful then begging for a trip to the store, having to live on junk and fast food because that's all that's brought home and when I bring up needing something not soaked in grease from the store or to even be taken to the store so I can get stuff i'm made to feel like it's an connivance that' i'm taking up your time to sit in the parking lot while I do the shopping, or when I point out the fact that I've gained 25lb's in a three months and my cloths no longer fit i'm told that I don't know what i'm talking about..... really?? REALLY!!!!!!!!!!

In the past month alone I've thought about suicide more then I have in the past 2 years to the point that the thoughts are getting so realistic I find myself getting lost in them. Talking doesn't help, relaxation doesn't help the only thing that will help is getting as far away from this toxic soul crushing place and family as I can.

So yeah just a rant nothing more.  

Hmmm so the past few weeks have been a little up and down, mainly due to the Holiday and Family, I love this time of year because there's always someone coming, going and always something to do. But what I hate about this time of year is the food, I mean don't get me wrong I love turkey and dressing but all the sweets and sugars just kill me!!! Hoping to clean the fridge and get ready to start eating right again on Monday hehe 

Lets see what else.. I've still not heard from y therapist about setting up my appointment with an endocrinologist which is kind of aggravating but i'm not stressing to hard over it because i'm at the point that I can't afford my office visit's so i don't mind waiting til after the first of the year, I mean there's not much I can do about it at the moment so no need to let it drag me down. 

A bit of good news my Grandma has offered to give me the money I need to move to Lexington after the first of the year, which is really nice but i'm not betting the house on it because my Grandma's gestures come and go with the blowing of the wind, that and she's made it very clear she doesn't approve of my choices and how much it hurts her and made it clear that my feeling don't matter because i'm offending God. 

I have a standing job offer in Lexington, the main reason Grandma is offering me the money, but i'm needing to call them on Monday to make sure the offer will still stand for Robin, i'm hopeful that they say yes, the job is a nice one and the people are really nice and it's geared toward vision impaired which mean's as my eyes get worse... which they are.... then i can keep being retrained and keep working. I just hope they don't hold my choice in life and happiness against me. 

So as of right now my life is in limbo waiting to see when i'm making my next move, my transition has also slowed somewhat as I've placed HRT & Electrolysis/Laser at the top of my List of things to do before starting full time, in the mean time i'll be sitting on the fence going for more of an androgynous look as things progress but still make time for a little me time when out and about. I have friends who keep telling me you can't do that! stop it go full time and just deal with problems and stop, but that doesn't work for me and if I rush head long into something that keeps causing me problems then i'm just going to start resenting it and hating myself for not being able to just deal with it. 

This has been a 20 year process of anger, discovery, learning and acceptance, so taking my time now doesn't seem like such a bad thing because now I know who I am, where i'm going and how i'm going to get there. 

So yesterday was my second therapy session and it went fairly well we were just chatting and she asked what stops I had taken to contact the Endocrinology department at the University of Kentucky this caught me off guard for two  reasons 1) even though I had been hoping to move to HRT after this appointment I had set myself up expecting it not to happen for whatever reason & 2) I thought that HRT was all hinging on her request and OK. So needless to say I spent the next little bit stuttering. 

It wasn't til late last night that I was able to process the events of the day as something that actually happened and then the "fears" started to creep into my mind,,,, not the fear that what I was doing is truly what I want oh no I've never once had that thought cross my mind! what is crossing my mind is Am I strong enough? What do I do next? I can't even consider Electrolysis/Laser til next spring SHOULD I even be starting HRT if I can't do hair removal?  

I'm sure i'm not the only person to have these thoughts, fears and concerns but I my mind I am!!! They just keep rolling over and over and over and literally has me shaking, now I understand and know wholeheartedly understand that i'm over reacting and stressing over things that I can't change and can deal with if I just take a moment, STOP and take a deep breath....and remember to let it out and not hold it til I pass out. 

I did learn in my area, Ashland about a 30 minute drive from me there are several  Endocrinology departments with in the KDMC network along with one who specializes in Transgender which floored me, i mean in this area????? I also found out after getting an email on a dating site i'm on that i'm also not the only Trans person in this area and they shared with me the information about the Dr's in my area which almost made me cry. So I've got my phone calls in BUT they do need the sign off of my Dr first before setting up any appointments so THAT's my next step 

It's just hard when living on a strict budget every month to:
~Pay bills
~save money to move 
~ Transition expenses
~co-pays and medicines
~oh and buy for Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!
A $1000 a month does not even begin to scratch the surface of what I need and is the base root of all my fears. So yeah the past few days has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride,,, oh and finding out last week my Ex (and still good friend) has cancer, finding out she has 3 cancers and then learning one of them is stage 4 has just crushed my heart and soul and left me just a sobbing mess  
 

Ok so here we go I finally got my second therapy appointment coming up this coming Wednesday which i'm super psyched about it but i've been doing a lot of thinking about myself, where I'm at and where i'm going and watching a ton of videos pf people who have taken this road before me. Last night I had a face slapping DUH moment that still has me a little stunned, a lot of what i've been reading and watching is about "full time" which i'm still not doing really because I still have a lot of self esteem issues to work though and don't want to deal with the humiliation of being misgendered when i'm out in public, I mean don't get me wrong I know it's going ot happen i'm just not able to process it at the moment, but enough of that my duh moment came when a vlog i was watching the girl says "so i'm going full time now for almost two weeks, well only at home for the most part" and i went oh my gosh..... 

To me "Full time" meant when I go out in public or leave the house which lets face it only happens once ever other week, so being at home is my full time and that never clicked with me until last night and i literally laid in bed last night  going "why why why didn't this dawn on me sooner.........." so needless to say it was a restless night for me. Right now this is my life, this is what i have to work with and I have really been missing out on such a great opportunity to work on "myself"

I walk around the house depressed and still just sitting in my room going "ugh i really need to work on ....(insert what)" but I don't because what I see looking back at me doesn't match what I feel inside and it causes a lot of turmoil that I just shut down. So the last thought I gave myself last night was this "tomorrow a new day" I awoke got right out of bed, got my run in, fixed breakfast and cleanup, jumped in the shower, shaved and put on my hair, would have done makeup but..... ok no but was just lazy by that point. The rest of the day I spent in a...... i'm not sure what would describe it but I just felt better I couldn't stop fidgeting with my hair and every time I walked past a mirror I had to check myself out and smile which is a HUGE CHANGE!!! any other time I just want to rip all the mirrors in the house down and toss them out!!!

Ok so enough is enough for today, Will be posting again next week after my next appointment :D

update on me!! Still struggling to make my therapy sessions the limitations my ride is putting on their available times is a bit frustrating but i'm not letting it get me down or stop me from being who I am. 

Plans to move in March or April (weather depending) are still on track and looking more promising every day. I'm also looking into starting collage in the Summer/Fall which is pretty exciting because I did really enjoy school and I want to go back so I can not only prove to myself  that I can do it but also to those around me who still think I just flunked out the first go around, no matter how many times I tell them that's not what happened but oh well. 

Still struggling every day with my drinking, it has gotten so much better however I still fall off every now and then and drink myself under the table, like last night so i'm picking myself back up, dusting off and running after that wagon again :D This time of year is very depressing to me because my daddies birthday was this month so I've been staying really down and sad but I've got a really good friend online who always hugs me when I need it and tells me to get up when I get to down and I can't tell you how much I love them for that :D

Is my sister. I'm just beginning my transition from MtF and find myself constantly looking at my sister for inspiration in clothing, mannerisms and carrying myself from day to day. My coming out as transgender has been hard for my family and most ignore it as just a phase and something best not spoken of, except my sister she's being very helpful and sportive of me but at the same letting me know it's very hard for her but she loves me. 

I had been wanting to go shopping with my sister for sometime now but was scared to ask because I didn't know how she would react to it. Thursday I mustard up the courage to call and ask, she said sure.. oh my gosh ok first step down!  Saturday came and I offered up lunch first which was a great idea cause we where both starving! After lunch I came out and asked me: "you know what i'm going shopping for" her: "yes i know" me: "women's cloths" her: "yes I knew that, this isn't easy but I love you and want to help you" me:  

I (hopefully we) had such a great time shopping, she was soooo helpful when It came to finding my style and things that looked best on me, and was very quick to tell me "NO!!!!" when I picked out ugly stuff :D at one point I made the comment "there's just so much of this little stuff you can and can't do it's so confusing" to which she replies "we'll I have had more practice at it" to which she immediately turned red and shuffled off :D

Course it wasn't all good times :( as I feared the dreaded time of darkness did creep in..... When helping me with jeans she found out I wear a 12 - 14 depending on brand/cut which she didn't like because it's smaller then her jean sizes but.. she was ok with it until i tried on the 12's and,,and.... they where to big!!!!!!!!! oh my gosh I had to go down to 10's and that's when the "ya ass hole!!!" flew :D hehe 

Things seem to be going so slowly for me right now. The hair I settled on came in but it was so much lighter then we thought it would be so that was a little upsetting, light hair just doesn't suit me however the hair I first feel in love with came available and is being ordered and will be ready in the next two weeks, which is good and bad, good I'll get what I really really wanted bad I have to keep waiting.

I'm getting a pretty decent wardrobe no dresses of frilly things but just some nice tops, skirts & Capri's  that I think look very nice on me and i'm finally feeling confident in myself when I go out. Not to say I've gone out much only twice in the past few weeks the others I've just gone out in slum jeans and a t-shirt but that's ok sometimes a girl just needs to hit the streets lax!! hehe :D

Trying very hard to keep my sprites high and my head up regardless of things going so much slower then I would like, course I knew this would happen well before I came out, it's all part of living on a fixed budget. I do have some good news, I've joined a dating site! It's pretty nice I've meet a few decent people, you just have to wee though the tranny chasers to get to the good ones :D course I'll be honest I don't "mind" them it's kind of nice being desirable for a change 

Oh my gosh so Friday was my big trip to Lexington I must have changed outfits 4 times before I finally settled on one I liked, ok ok to be honest I ran out of time getting ready and couldn't change anymore LOL. It was great I wore a pair of Capri's with a blue top that just looked amazing!!!!! 

Our first stop was the wig shop the people there where as nice as they could be and I knew right off the bat I was going to love dealing with them. They took my measurements and let me try on a wig (one in my profile picture) and I instantly feel in love with it, I tried on a few more styles but came right back to that first one, there was no changing my mind!!! Sadly it was out of stock and on back order!! AHHHHH but it's ok i got it ordered with a slight change it has blonde highlights which look AMAZING!!!!! I just have to wait the two weeks for it to come in and be stretched.

Next stop was therapy, the lady was super nice and I had no problem opening up to her and telling her how I felt about being transgender and the path I was setting down, I did however have trouble telling her about my childhood and growing up, still a lot of hurt feelings and anger there. But I know or least I should say I hope she seen the honestly in my heart and know i'm backing myself 110% in my journey and I will see my true self emerge. I go back in two weeks same day i get my wig and I can't begin to tell you how excited I am. 

I took my uncle and his boyfriend to my favorite pizza joint in Lexington, Old Chicago, for a few drinks and a yummy pizza! and then off to Best Buy for a bit of shopping, ok ok you got me impulsive buying geez, I got my looks and laughs of course but I kept my head up and just smiled back at them letting them know i'm happy and careless what they want to snicker about. 

Deleted my old Facebook page and restarted as myself which was more liberating then I thought it would be and have started to get some friends back, real friends not those "oh i'll add you to up my friends number but I don't know you or i treated you like shit in high school but it's ok because now we have Facebook" people, No now i'm only surrounding myself with friends and family who love and accept me for me and won't judge me for being any less then who I am 

I told them when I came out that I was going to "stop" drinking, not completely but to the point that I only had a few beer a month ant that I didn't wan them bringing me beer or buying me beer, that I wanted to choose when I drank. Last month worked out great I only drank once the whole month!! And this month I only planned on drinking twice, first being tomorrow (opening game of the NFL season) and Tuesday the 11th for the premier of S.O.A. But what do they go and do they buy me a 30 pack Saturday night... a 30pack i've already downed, a 30 pack I didn't want but a 30 pack I still sucked dry, why? BECAUSE IT'S THERE!!!!! So here I am sucking down the last five beer of the 14 that was left instead of going to bed. I don't know what else to do, I came out and said to them "I have a drinking problem" IN THOSE WORDS and what do they do...... course what do i do... yeah...again 

Tomorrow was supposed to be my first appointment for counselling  and I had been looking forward to this for weeks, I had sent an email request for her address last week and called for two days with out any reply so I canceled my appointment in hopes of rescheduling later but I has me so upset and aggravated that I feel like I would just like to start crying. 

I know it's not a major thing I mean people have to reschedule appointments all the time and I know i'll get there sooner then later but why does this feel like such a crushing blow to me mentally and emotionally? It just seems like one more thing being thrown in my way

There are a few things that keep bugging me about my transition, family for one mom & sister are kind of negative towards me, my grandma thinks i've been brainwashed by internet devil worshipers and keeps telling me i'm a "good boy" oh and my aunt drove me to drinking the other day after being sober for 2 weeks but my uncles are really cool and being super supportive and always offering to help so that's great!

Shaving is a huge problem, well kinda everything from my neck down is great, yes i have to do it ever other day but i knew that was coming, it's my face that gives me the fits having to shaver every day is leaving my face cut, dry, sore and bumpy!!! I've gotten to the point that i'm using a new razor every day because even the best razors i buy go dual after 1 use

But what's giving me the most problem is,.,., mirrors,,,.,., I simply can't stress how much I dislike mirrors!!!! I still have a boyish body though i'm really really trying to exercise that a way(i say this as i skipped my workout today, am drinking my 2nd pop and just polished off a plate of fried shrimp) and my hair OH MY GOSH MY HAIR!!! It's soooo boxy it's driving me bonkers!!! I found a few cute hair styles about my length I just gotta fine a nice stylist to get it done but in the mean time i'll be visiting a wig shop early next month. 

Why can't mirrors show us the way we feel on the inside? sitting here writing i feel pretty, girly and beautiful but when i turn towards the mirror in my room i see an over weight, hunched over, sunken eyed boy who's about to cry, and that's why I hate mirrors because they make me hate me

The weekend has been full of up and down's. 

Saturday started with me still being pissed about Friday but determined to make Saturday better! Mom was in her general mode, bitchily. I told her all I wanted from her was a ride into town and I would go from there, didn't need or want her negative attitude tearing me down!

It was a lot of walking but 4 salons later I found a place able to fit me in and they had no problem doing my hair and eye brows like I wanted, a girls. It looked so nice, not great but nice!!!! They set me up with product and showed me how to fix it which was soooo nice of them.

From there I walked across town to the nail salon, got a few looks but who cares! I got fake nails cause mine are chewed down past the quick. I went for a french tip with clear top coat. One lady when they first started said she would love to stay and seem the finished nails, said she's never seen a guy with the balls to get their nails done which made me smile, course I didn't tell her I'm trans I figured I would just keep that to myself. 

Mom said all of 2 words to me before I left with my uncle to head to Lexington.

My friend was late meeting me at the mall but that was ok I still went right on in and talked to the girl at the makeup counter at Macy's and told her just what I wanted and she was more then happy to give me a makeover. She asked my name, I told her Robin, she called me that the whole time and I felt like I was floating on cloud 9!!! She did such a great job, gave me lots of tips and explained the how to's of makeup in a way I could follow and understand which was very nice. I didn't buy any makeup because it was EXPENSIVE!!!!! Like what she set me up with was 1047$. I looked so nice and for the first time ever I looked in the mirror and said "yep this looks right"

Saturday night was my first Transgender support group meeting, it was GREAT they had a counselor speaking it was great hearing them and the people in the group carry on a talk where the whole I time I just sat there thinking I can't believe how much every word they said either described me,  my thoughts and feelings it was the best feeling ever. Everyone was super nice and very friendly. 

My uncle picked me up (not the one that brought me, my aunts husband) I told him what the meeting was for and why I was there and he was sooo supportive, said if I EVER need anything he'll be there to help me, i've never really thought of him as my uncle before, we've never been really close but I almost cried when he said that. My aunt didn't take the news to well.... and really didn't want to talk about my uncle kept pushing it, asking me question and making her interact with me which was great because today she seemed a little more open, not fully accepting but still she says she loves me and will be there for me. 

I got home tonight and mom hasn't said 1 word to me except about the dog needing to pee......

Tomorrow i'm going to my Dr to let them know what i'm doing and let them know I want to see a counselor in Lexington and really start my process. I'm also going to see my Grandma tomorrow and tell her... my aunt is going with me because my Grandma could blow up, and not just in a vocal way.....

Will have more tomorrow, maybe mom will talk to me tomorrow, it not oh well I'm not changing who I am to keep her happy, she can either have a happy daughter and accept or i'm gone 

I've been looking forward to today for the past 2 weeks it is, or was supposed to be the day that it all started for me, I was supposed to be going out to get my nails & hair done to really start doing something that will not only help me look for girly but also feel more girly. 

My sister was supposed to call me Wednesday to let me know about today, no call, I find out yesterday that she and my mom where going hit some yard sales today but she said we were still going out. Ok all good right? They just got back i'm all ready to go, not really dressed all girly but enough that i feel good about myself, but they say oh we just came to unload we still have all day..... what about me???? When do i get what I want???? WHEN

I'm not in a dress, i'm not flaunting my tits and screaming look at me i'm a girl!!! no i'm taking my time doing little things so my family can adjust but it seems and feels to me they are doing what ever they can to keep me from doing what i want to do to be me!!!!!! All I want to do is strip these cloths toss them in the corner and crawl under my covers and cry... I know 'm over reacting but it HURTS

I both love and hate EP. 

I love EP because I have a place to share my thoughts, desires, experiences with other like minded people who may share my same thoughts or been through the same things in life that I have, and that has really helped me not feel so alone, different, strange or just like a freak. I've meet so many great people, people I would have not have meet otherwise, and I'm truly grateful for the friendships I have made. 

I hate EP because I have a place to share my thoughts, desires, experiences with other like minded people who may share my same thoughts or been through the same things in life that I have and it has aloud me to expand my darkest fantasies and take my sickest desires to a whole new level. And have found myself actively seeking my  darkest desires to be fulfilled in real life.

I love and hate you EP you've given me hope and great friends and shown me just how truly sick and depraved i am. I guess  should say Thank you.......

So It is now the day after coming out to my Mother & Sister that I am transgender. The night went well not much was said by my sister other then "well work through this" which kind of scares me in the bottom of my stomach but I know she loves me and that will do for now. My mom seemed ok she had plenty of questions all of which I think I answered quiet well. I explained my struggles growing up, my fears, my depression, my alcoholism and that I truly believe this who I am. She was quick to point out however that i'll be an ugly girl which made me laugh, because she might be right but that's ok because that ugly girl makes me happy and smile like i've never smiled before. 

The process coming will be a little slow, as much as i want to dive in I feel it in my families best interest if this change happens slowly at first. I'm planning on asking my sister if we can have a girls day next Friday to get our hair & nails done, that and i need my eyebrows touched up again. It would be the greatest feeling ever to hear her say yes however it will not kill me if she says no, nor will it deter me in my path and goals I have set fourth.

I have started looking harder at clothing, makeup & all the new accessories i'll need for my new life and though they me overwhelming at first the sheer excitement i feel greatly overwhelm this feeling of all. After this post my blog will be done on a weekly based instead of daily like i've tried to do here as i find expressing my emotions on a daily bases a bit taxing and shall start to reserve them for a greater and more in depth post. For all of those who have given me their support, their friendship & their love you have helped shape this scared little girl hiding deepest in closet into a shining ray of joy and happiness eager to see what tomorrow brings. Rain or shine i'm here to stand and say thank you.

~Hugs & Kisses
Robin  

For the first time in my life I awoke feeling good about myself, confident in my choices and feeling blessed to have awoke to such a beautiful day!! I know that sounds silly but it really made my heart sing happily. 

I've decided not to wait til next month after my meetings and appointment to talk to my Mom & Sister about me being transgender and changes that are coming in my life! Tomorrow will be the day! Tonight i'm going out to the movies with my sister and her husband and I'm going to ask her to come to mom's tomorrow night so we can talk. I really can't wait any longer!!!

To all my friends and dear supporters during this time of my life, I really truly do love you all. And am thankful to God for bringing you into my life!! Yes I said God i'm finally accepting him in my life & heart but i'll save that for another day's blog